If you want to attract an honorable lady, be an honorable man.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Real Me

We all have a dark side. 

We all have that secret self, that deep deep dark person, who lives in the bottom of our hearts, and comes out to haunt us. It reminds us of all the things we wish we hadn't done, whispers all our secret fears, and tells us everything we didn't want to hear about ourselves.

It quietly motivates everything you think and do, making you who you are by subtle traits and consistent threads that weave together and make your personality, most of the time the personality we want to hide.

We stuff it down, wash our face, take a good deep breath, and go about all the things we have consciously made ourselves do and think and believe -  go back to the 'real' you, that good boy with the big smile that everybody knows. Go back to the confident, bold person you have made yourself, not aware, or at least for a while, that that dark side has crept back in and is moving behind the scenes again.  

A least, that's how I used to view it. I saw it as if there was this dark side, always vying with you, trying to always come out, take over, and dominate you, and it was always your task to shove it down, kill that black stain upon your reputation, and keep that shiny, reputable you in normal health.  

I see it a little differently now.

It's not a black side, not an alternate identity.

It's who you really are - the real you.
In fact, it's exactly opposite of what I thought before. It's not the real you on the outside, battling a dark side within. It's the real you inside, trying to live up to the mask on the outside. Everything you thought you were, was a farce, a prop, a cast you molded yourself into because you didn't want to be what you were before - you couldn't bear to see the real you in the mirror, so you hid it in a different you, to make it more bearable and likable. 

Not too long back, I made this discovery in my life. I found out the real me, deep under the skin, with all its fears, with all its layers of armor put up to protect the vulnerable person beneath. I realized the real me, why I am who I am, why I fear certain things, why I wear inner armor to keep the real me in and out of sight. 

Far to often in the blogging world, we Christian bloggers have our blog face - our version of an actors stage face. We appear on our blog, write a beefy and theological post, showing off our intellectual weightlifting skills and spiritual maturity, then click post and return to real life - the blogging face still on the web smiling at all passers by. 

It's time to be real folks - the person we are fooling the worst is ourselves.

After realizing this in my life, I am trying to learn to be open, let the real me come out. Not to show off to the world, but to be rid of my real weaknesses, to let Christ's strength fill the void, and to stop living a lie. One of the keys to strength is to admit your weakness, and by admitting your real fears and real disbeliefs, you can then face them, pray for them, and submit them to God. Then, and only then, can you deal with the real you. It's hard to clean what's stuffed to far in the corners to come out - you've got to let it breathe.

I want to be real guys, I don't want to you think I am something I aint.

I am not a great Christian, a theological big-wig, an impenetrable redneck or some other representation of something noteworthy and invulnerable. 

I'm not. plain and simple. 

I am a fearful man - really. I live in fear most of the time, and most of the time without even realizing it. 

I fear not living up to the standard - again.

I am afraid of not being good enough - again.

I hate being vulnerable, open to hurt. I've been hurt so many times, it's so much easier to close off and be outwardly impenetrable, to prevent being hurt - again.

I hate being put down and being belittled - again.

I hate being sub-class, and under par - again.

I hate being lonely and left out - again.

Yeah, believe it or not, that's me. The real me.

I'm a  pretty lonely person. I want companionship, someone to be there to share all my day's ins-and-outs.

I am a pretty vulnerable person.What you say to me or about me will influence me pretty deeply.

I am constantly falling short of the mark, not meeting par, and am afraid of not being good enough for my friends.   

I rate myself and my friends on a level of how they/I act and what they/I believe.

I am constantly trying to make myself more than I am, because I feel like less than I want to be.

I fear walking through life with the label and title of someone who just didn't cut it, just wasn't up the the mark.

But now that I realized that, I can deal with it. All of these things that I am were constantly getting me here or there emotionally or physically, and I couldn't figure out how to deal with it, since I kept trying to deal with it on the surface. I know now what lie I am believing when I feel a certain way, do a certain action, and say certain things, and can pray and act specifically, knowing where the real problem lies - way, way deep down in me.

But that's who I am, and I have to be content with who I am, because I  am who God made me, where God made me. If God, looking through Christ's blood, is content with me, what right have I to be any less?

Be real, be open guys. Stop living a lie, and let the real you out into the light. It's time to be you - the real you. And yes, I know the real you is scary - the real me was pretty scary as well.

I won't think any less of you, or at least, I hope I won't. I know right where you are - I really do. It's a hard spot to pull off that mask and look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what type of person you are.

But it's worth it.

         Who are you?


  1. Wow. This is good.....it hurts. It kind of blew me away, too because this has been on my mind for the past week or so.

    The "real you" is quite brave, too...thinking about it, it would be really hard and scary to actually write up "the real me" and publish it...if I'm totally honest. But I'm thinking I should do it. Thanks for the challenge ;)

    1. You should do it, if for no other reason than just to merely get it out. If you never get it out, like really out, you can't really deal with it. Putting down in print where other people can see it really forces you to face it, and stop stuffing it in.
      Glad it helped. :)

  2. I really appreciated reading this; your honesty is very encouraging and makes you more relate-able, at least to me. I've been going through similar self-discovery recently myself, including understanding how I've built up walls around myself my whole life in hopes of not being hurt as much. It was also encouraging to read that I am not the only Christian young adult who hasn't figured it all out yet and that you're willing to admit that. I've gotten tired of seeing online 'flawless' Christians who seem to have it all figured out, because there is no way that they actually do.

    I know I don't comment often, but I wanted to pause and just say thanks. This was an encouragement. :)


    1. I'm glad it helped you. I've read some of your posts, and I can see why people being real would be an encouragement for you. I know you guys are going through some rough stuff, and I will try to pray for you - I just have to remember..... :( I am very forgetful about things like that.

  3. David, You have no idea how much of an encouragement this post has been to me. Both Lisa's post and your post have made me sit back and seriously think. Thanks for this! Its challenged me to be the real me and to stop faking my way through life even though it hurts to take off the mask.

  4. David, You have no idea how much of an encouragement this post has been to me. Both Lisa's post and your post have made me sit back in my seat and think. Thank you for this! Taking off the mask hurts but in the end it will be worth it.

  5. Thankyou for being real, David. Do you know, I believe everyone feels the same in at least one way or another, but because we've become so good at hiding it behind a mask of strength and capability, those who have the courage to be real today feel incredibly alone. If more of us were open and honest with our weaknesses, and pointed to God's grace as the only reason we ever appear capable or strong, there would be a lot less lonely people in the world.

    I don't pretend to never hide... I'll be posting on my blog soon to show it.

  6. Thank you so much for this, this was so encouraging to me! I've thought much on this lately, even more so since reading this post (I read it a week or so ago, just now am getting around to commenting), but thank you so so much for your honesty! This has given me a good, albeit hard, challenge.


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